Sixth Sense
Have you ever been in love with a psychopath?
On paper, it all makes sense, yet it will slowly tear you apart. So perfectly, as if each piece of you is removed in flawless arrangement, in order to keep you living while still dying. Once you start believing, the game is underway. The faultlessness of such an occurrence seems too good to be true; that's because it is.
I always knew, yet I kept myself from knowing.
I was at a gathering, poolside, talking with an acquaintance.
I had not spoken to her, nor seen her face for more than a fraction of a second.
He asked, "How about that girl?" remarking on her beauty and such.
Immediately, I responded, "I want absolutely nothing to fucking do with her."
Irrational, unsensible, unkind. I doubled back on my instinct, what harm could it be to open the door, to let her in.
The following day, in the light of day, I stared into her eyes and remarked on their pattern, like the skin of a snake.
A couple of years later, I wrote my final words to her, "So, you don't have cancer, you are cancer."
The visceral sense I had that first day is similar to how I've felt about social media long before. No matter how many times I’ve dipped my foot or dunked my head into any platform, it always sucked more of me than I was willing to give.
There was never a cost I was willing to pay that ever made sense. It turned out to be zero, absolutely none, precisely the amount of contact required to heal from a relationship such as the one above.
There is more than what I can articulate with my pen, just as there is more than what the eye can see.
When your life is incentivized and invested in foreseeable outcomes, when you have visualized an ideal for a future, you will do anything, including go blind and dumb, to see it to its end. It's possible you don't believe this. I took several years to extract myself from this incapacitated state. I was so entangled in the built belief of it all, I mistook my belief in it for what was true.
So, now I am writing this piece because I don’t go against myself, only further.
Only further in this direction if there was an indicated medium or messenger. That thought came in the morning and Paul arrived the same afternoon. I have no agenda, only to clear the clutter and see what's indicated. Whenever I think I've got a plan, there's always a better one in store for me that I could not have possibly imagined up.
The best I can think of now cannot touch what is coming.
Shit doesn’t just happen.
Open your eyes, listen, learn to navigate with your environment as if this were your life, as if you fully belonged.